As I’ve settled into my 34th year of life, I’ve been reflecting on the areas of myself that are most important. The things that brings smiles, pain, and indifference. I have to say through the hurdles I’ve cleared and the ones I stumbled over I couldn’t be more proud of who I am. Although proud, can you believe even at this age you can still fall apart?
Just when you think you have it altogether, something happens and you lose it. My coping method is seclusion and deep thoughts. I still revisit situations while speculating what could have went wrong? I sometimes internalize the treatment from others that I can’t control. I care so much that I need to find the answer. I need to know even when there isn’t one. My being must get to the bottom of the matter so I can be satisfied. However, life isn’t always about our satisfaction is it?
Externally I say to myself “I am too fucking old for this shit!” Then I realize, I’m human. I feel too. I’ve learned I don’t always have to be strong for everyone. My tears have transformed to strength instead of thoughts of immature weakness. I know you are reading this thinking is this bitch fucked up?
It’s quite the opposite. I haven’t felt so free in my emotions in my entire life. At my age I feel more open than ever to having difficult conversations. In this moment, I can’t help remembering a conversation with one of my trusted friend’s Changa about a friend from my past.
I called him and revealed the newest information about that person. I told him how the person just stopped speaking to me out of nowhere after making plans with me. When a little time passed, this person finally did communicate with me and it was for something beneficial to them. Then when I reached back out and asked why we didn’t resolve our issues? They flipped out in a rage over absolutely nothing and returned to being silent. Followed by the obligatory deletion from all social media.
They delete you like boss…
He said to me that I seem to attract friendships with people who take advantage of my kindness and when they get what they need they vanish disrespectfully. I never take what he says to me as a negative because I respect him. So that got me to thinking, am I attracting them or are people in general just fucked up?
My overall synopsis is that people are fucked up and I am perfect lol. Ok seriously I do think people are fucked up, however I think we all have a natural urge to put ourselves first despite the cost.
This specific person’s nature was once good but then things changed. I think that the people who we become friends with are just a reflection of where we are in life. You ever notice how sometimes you no longer have anything in common with some of your friends? You find their conversations about their mistakes on repeat annoying and beneath you? You can’t even imagine how you use to counsel people on the most basic shit. Eventually these relationships fade or people have a fit then vanish.
Wa la magic…
Just before they leave, they say you’ve changed? Nope, you just grew. To Changa’s credit I attract everyone because I am kind and I am not an easy win in any relationship type. I know that’s why it hurts so bad when people fuck me over.
I also realized that some people just don’t know how to be good friends which is a whole other entry for another day. However, It’s nice to be aware of that now. I know that nothing last’s forever and those old experiences now leave room for new ones.
New adventures and new people are always amazing. Change is always the hardest, but it is needed in order to grow. So what do I do now? I move on and I keep living. I keep celebrating my individuality. I understand and accept that everything may not have an answer. I keep me first and protect my energy.
I understand completely that some people are just shit and there is nothing about me that invites that. It’s just that even shit wants to be seen with something beautiful at times rather than being reminded that they are just that. You’re welcome shit heads. Lastly, My online presence from this day forward will be more organic and not what people think it should be. I write these words unapologetically.