We’ve Loved and We’ve Loss

11 years ago, I allowed Jamison into my heart. On June 9th we celebrate our love and growth as a couple. We observe this day with great pride, love, and appreciation of our commitment to each other.

We would share memories over first dates, sleepovers, and built friendship. Together we would admire how we’ve built a true bond over time. Last year on this day we wanted to share our day of love with our son.

On this day we found out that our little baby was a boy.

In my heart I already knew. On that day I had a talk with Jaymie. In our talks I always hoped his emotion would help him connect my words to his heart.

I pleaded to him to be patient with me as I’d never been a mother. As I knew I would not be perfect.

He needed to know daily that I would always believe in him. Most importantly how proud I was to be his mother. Jaymie and I listened to Gimme the Loot by BIG and proceeded with our day. Only the best hip hop for my son.

Family and friends started to gather in the home with warm hearts. Sending hope and positivity to us as new parents.

As we partied the anticipation grew waiting on the news of the baby’s gender. Just like that blue confetti filled the air and we all cheered. We all smiled and danced with excitement for Jaymie.

Jay gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear ” I’m proud of you babe.” We were happy, excited, and hopeful.

We were on such a high this day. Not knowing the future would bring us so low.

On July 11th 2018 at 9:54 PM Jaymie was here and by midnight he was gone.

I had to accept that I was now a mother of a child I would never raise. A mother who would only know him through hypothesis.

As Jaymie laid in the nursery taking his final breaths, my heartbreak left me paralyzed. “Do you want to see him?” said the night nurse.

I had no words, only blank stares and shock. Only a empty heart and a mind full of confusion. I couldn’t go.

For months, I hated myself for that as a mom. What if he was scared to die? It was my job to make it ok. I couldn’t even make it alright for myself. In that moment I felt I failed him.

Jamison saw Jaymie. Jay held him and laid him back in his crib. I asked Jay what did he look like? Was he ok? He said he was “perfect”. I just wasn’t strong enough to see for myself.

My mind was too scrambled. I’m now accepting that almost a year later that it was okay to react in the way I did. I simply wasn’t prepared.

I went on a mental crusade to find my errors in during my pregnancy. Knowing I was active, eat well, and kept within the doctor’s orders. I still needed to know where I had failed him. How could my body betray me?

Lack of answers would frustrate me daily. As I was more prepared to take the blame for whatever I’d found. Who else could I say was responsible?

Through therapy, I found that this type of thought was not healing me. As there was no answer or reason. Pregnancy is hard and unpredictable. For the baby and the mother. It’s a dangerous yet beautiful experience.

In that hospital bed all my memories flashed back to that blue confetti.

Seeing all of smiles and hopes people wished. It made no sense. It was hard accepting that my pregnancy was over and the baby was gone. We had to now find a way to move forward.

As I don’t believe anyone truly moves on from that. I believe people just find a way to exist within the hardship. Acceptance is hard. I’ve found grieving over my son has been the hardest.

Now on this day we don’t only think of us. Or our memories of first dates, events, sleepovers, and built friendship. We think of you. We think of the happy time we spent together.

The times your dad would count and sing the ABC’s terribly to you. The moments I taught you Hip Hop and life lessons. How we poured our whole hearts into you. Everyday your dad and I hope it was enough. We hope you knew that we made you from the purest love.

Now we share this day with you. I hope you’re somewhere missing us as your dad and I miss you. Thank you for being a living example of our true love and being a confirmation of a miracle.

The crazy thing is, it never truly feels like you’re gone as I always catch a glimpse of you in your father’s eyes. Keep watching over us as we continue to make peace in our minds and hearts.

We love you…

Your parents