Breaking Up With Friends: Is There A Right Way?
When we were young…
Friends when we are younger define our level of social acceptance. The acceptance based on the general population is basically what controls what we think is cool. What was cool back then was all that really mattered. This level of coolness is what we based our relationships on with other people. I am not saying that teens don’t have their own minds but the level of maturity/experience could make it easy to persuade them to do things we wouldn’t do in adulthood.
When I was a teen I thought Missy Elliot was stylish because she wore lots of gel in her hair. Due to that thought process I ended up spending most of middle school career with my hair looking like a crunchy pro-styl gel helmet. Ah, the things we do for the love of hip hop.
However when we are older, the demands to have or maintain a friendship is very different. It takes more than the bond over a favorite show or color to keep the relationship going. Our priorities and tolerance levels change. Those changes either create distance or closeness. Through my lifetime I have been lucky to keep some of my friends from all the different stages of my growth from a girl to woman. Some of my longest friendships have span for more than half of my life. Although lucky to have those I have lost quite a few along the way.
I want to talk about those I lost with you all today. When you lose a friend how do you move forward?
The main reason we lose friends is because one or both people are not open to really discuss what their issues are. I have learned in my adulthood how important it has become to me to have friends I can actually talk to when there is something not right between us. Having the ability to talk to someone about your issues and them knowing that you are coming from a real place of love is so important in the resolution process.
When your true friends are open to your feelings although they may not agree at times is a great sign to the development of a long-lasting healthy friendship. Communication with one another is so important to maintain all you’ve built. When people stop talking that is when it is easy for any relationship to crumble. When I went back to college as a young adult, I met some really cool people and made life long friends. The most memorable friendship made in college, was with one girl I met over a dormitory meal. That meal turned into a best friendship and then family.
We were so close…
After college we moved in together. So excited to have our own place. Making our way into real adulting. Although I was ready, I think she had second thoughts. After living together for a while my boyfriend at the time moved in. We were like Three’s Company. We really helped each other back then, you know? The closer my boyfriend and I became the further apart my relationship with my best friend spread. She became different. She no longer wanted to hang out with me.
She was angry daily and isolated herself from us all. I began wondering, what was really wrong? Why was she so distant? One day, I went to her as I felt our relationship was in trouble. I asked her was she okay and was there anything I could do to help her? She advised me that she was fine and so were we. I believed her and then left it alone. A few weeks later I came home from work and found that she’d moved out. To add to my shock, I found she had left me the most disheartening note that confirmed the ending our friendship. In this note, she was having a conversation with me that I couldn’t defend myself or make better for her.
My heart couldn’t understand and was in true disbelief. I replayed every moment in my mind while asking myself was there something I could have done differently? Maybe I could have pressed the issue more to find out her feelings? Although, I didn’t know it then but there was nothing more I could have done to change the outcome. I did what any friend would have done. I saw an issue and addressed it. I was prepared for a conversation and resolution if any.
Yet, some people don’t allow you to implement what they need before making a decision about who you are and your friendship…
That brings us to value. People handle with care relationships and things that they value. The speech and problem solving skills are very different. The bottom line is, people aren’t afraid to lose things that are not of importance to their lives whether momentarily or day by day. For example. as women we buy multiple packs of bobby pins and hair ties. We misplace these things all the time and just replace them. Now, I am not saying that in the moment when you can’t find it that it does not generate an emotion, but the loss of it is almost expected.
Don’t let these people treat you like a bobby pin lol. As you and your friendship is irreplaceable.
The lesson is if your friend is not really willing to talk and allow you the time to compromise if necessary then they have already ended the friendship without your consent. When they have done that you know where you stand completely with them. The way I handled this in the future is to just let it be. Understanding that everyone is not meant to stay in your life despite what love or work you developed for them over time. Letting people go always makes room for your new experience and a great level of growth. No one said it would be easy but sometimes it has to be done.
As a adults, they say associates are easier to discard than established friends…
Meeting new people as adult is always an ordeal. As we have a more sifted approach to who we allow in our space. The hurdles we create to form true friendships as an adult are little more complexed. Although we think we may have found some cool people, situations always reveal what position people really have you in. The distance from the initially fall-out allows these people to keep you there.
I had made a friend who I felt I had a lot in common with. I thought we really had good vibes through our similarities. Those similarities allowed us to reveal more personal details that we had in common. We talked daily and were growing something really dope. Then it all came to a halt. The calls and messages between us just stopped.
In reaction, I had reached out multiple times to see what had went wrong. My attempts did not receive a reply and were ignored. They completely just cut me off without notice and began a non-communicative relationship with me without my consent. They insert themselves daily into my life in a way that makes them feel the most comfortable.
At first I thought this was strange but then I realized my value to this person. I did not hold any real importance with them nor did they care about how their actions could affect me. They were legit trying to make me a bobby pin lol. If a conversation was had we could have discussed continuing a friendship or kept it moving. However, attempting that would imply importance to the friendship established. This relationship like the other taught me that you will not always have the closure conversation you deserve for your time but to focus on the non-verbal conversation being had.
The non-verbal conversation that they are having with you is they don’t care about your feelings, thoughts, or anything else for that matter…
You need to react to just that. So what do you do? I will tell you, put them in a box similar to where you sit with them. Remove them from their ranking of importance in your mind and heart. Then put them on the most basic level of humanity.
We need to breathe the same air however it doesn’t mean together. If you say hi, I can smile and keep walking. I don’t need to ask how you are doing because your social media attendance is enough LOL. Real basic shit.
Learn from the situations and don’t allow yourself to be jaded for the next set of cool people you will meet. Also focus on your core and understand it may not be that many people. You won’t always get a clean break involving others but you have the power to break them off from your energy. Your energy is so important and easily messed with by non-factor people. Protect it at all times and block those who don’t add positivity to it.
I am going to end this blog here by saying, people will be people. You have the control of self to understand how to react to them. Don’t invest energy in relationships that haven’t or will not invest back. You are wasting your time while gaining frown lines. At this age. who can afford those?
I love you for reading ♥
How do you let go in your friendships?